Let’s start with the disclaimer: in this post we’re not calling for anyone to actually be punched in the face nor do we advocate real violence in any form, most certainly not towards women. We’re speaking metaphorically. We’re talking about the effect of a punch to the face, that unique combination of shock and humility which immediately follows a hard-knuckle smack right to the mug.
We’re also not saying that the celebs on this list are awful human beings, necessarily (though we think a couple of them really are). We don’t know that because we don’t know them. But we do see their public behavior which tells us that, in essence, these are individuals who have used the luxury of fame and money to try to downplay or even capitalize off of behavior that the rest of the world would be punished for.
Therefore, the intended effect of our figurative celebrity “punches” is a reality check, a wake up call and plea to step out of the self-absorbed, privileged bubble they live in and remember what it’s like to just be a person.
With that in mind, we present ten celebrities that need to be punched in the face.
Where to begin with likely the most common answer to the question, “Which celebrity would you like to punch in the face?” Perhaps it’s from his bland, pointless pop “music,” the incessant media presence which makes escaping his various antics impossible, his taste for horribly drawn tattoos (seriously, garbage shading, and that linework is awful), the incident where he urinated in a restaurant bucket that some poor employee would have to clean as he laughed his head off while one of his boys video recorded it and concluded by peeing on a photo of a former American president – in some countries, a foreigner pissing on the image of a national figure would be cause of war.
Or maybe the most recent incident of egging a neighbor’s house, not so much for the actual egging but for the lack of creativity in using the most high school of all pranks and likely cackling about it like he’s some kind of kingpin, a notion bolstered by the resultant police raid of his house for egging paraphernalia. Yeah, you’re a total bad boy now. You know what real bad boys do? Get punched in the face.
This one gets worse by the day. In addition to being widely reported as a total douche by co-stars and generally all of humanity, LeBeouf’s most punchable offense comes from his short film HowardCantour.com. The film had been getting good reviews from the film festival crowd until revelations that it was basically storyboarded in graphic novelist Daniel Clowes’s story “Justin M. Damiano.” This could perhaps be a coincidence if LeBeouf hadn’t previously declared his love of Clowes’s story.
Since then the plagiarism fallout has gotten steadily stranger with LeBeouf first offering a written apology, which plagiarized a Yahoo! Answers response from four years before, then skywriting an apology, then copy-and-pasting several other high-profile apologies from Kanye West, Gucci Mane and Lena Dunham and, finally, announcing that “recent attacks against [his] artistic integrity” are forcing him to retire from public life, a development that will likely lead to a mockumentary two years from now where LeBeouf grows a shaggy beard and tries to be a rapper. Most of all though, we’d like to punch him just for the long string of “Nononononono.”
Look, we’re joking when we talk about punching people in the face but this guy actually does it, and, worse, no one seems to care anymore. In fact, this guy seems to go around punching everyone! Seriously, even Mike Tyson, not exactly a model for pacifism, called for Brown to stop punching people. We’re all for gender equality, but there is still no excuse for a man to ever hit a woman (at least Drake was able to punch back). The fact that Brown not only beat his girlfriend, but beat her almost unconscious while trying to choke her, and then got a tattoo which undeniably resembles Rhianna’s bloodied face on his neck where everyone who looks at him will see it forever, makes him not only a jerk but an actual public menace.
Worse still is the fact that Brown has suffered very few consequences from this behavior. While his reputation has suffered and he performed community service, he has continued to make music, appeared in movies, reportedly reunited with Rhianna and his female fans foolish debase themselves over his continued celebrity. Seriously, the best girl friends of these fans should sit them down and slap them in the friendliest, most supportive way ever until they learn that any man who would beat them, no matter how rich or hot or whatever, is not worth fawning over. Clearly no amount of public shaming will make Chris Brown understand the extent of his heinousness until someone makes him feel as powerless as he makes his victims feel (yet another reason we love CM Punk).
And speaking of no man should ever beat a woman, here is where it might seem like we’re contradicting ourselves but, remember, unlike Chris Brown, our punches aren’t real.
Kardashian is part of that uniquely modern movement of celebrities who are famous for being famous (well, that and having a big ass). Of course that alone isn’t enough to raise our ire, no, her offense is claiming in December that proceeds from her clothing auction were going to help hurricane victims in the Philippines. Turns out a measly 10% of the money raised was going there while the millionaire heiress/”star” pocketed the rest. We’re all for giving any amount of money to charity, but calling something a “charity auction” attracts attention from many who would not otherwise be interested. Whatever money she donated was probably more than equaled by the publicity, increased bidding on items (which were probably given to her in the first place) and willingness to spend more because the money was (supposedly) going to a good cause.
Kardashian already has enough money to give more than all of her fans combined without noticing, so the need to sucker donors into a yard sale disguised as a charity auction is truly despicable. Plus, both she and baby daddy Kanye should at least be backhanded for saddling their child with perhaps the worst name ever.
Fashion and portrait photographer Terry Richardson isn’t quite so well known, and perhaps that’s why his behavior has been allowed to continue for so long. Although a lot of fashion photography is of a sexualized nature, often using models so young and emaciated that the reaction is more one of pity than arousal, Richardson reportedly crosses the line by placing himself among the very young, half-naked models in the same sexual positions he coaxed them into. The accounts of Richardson’s various perversions, outlined in this essay from Jezebel, are too uncomfortable to describe.
Safe to say there are lines between art and sickness, and it sounds as though Richardson has managed to use one to cover the other. Most almost 50-year-old men who take pictures with naked 19-year-old girls in sexual positions he convinced them into are put in jail not on magazine covers.
And speaking of lines, we have a singer who became an international sensation for a song that sounds an awful lot like it’s advocating rape. “Blurred Lines” may not actually be about rape, but its own lines are blurred enough with the repeated refrain of “I know you want it” that it’s close enough. Rather than reply with the revulsion that most people would when their work is, reportedly, misinterpreted as rapist fantasy, Thicke played into the controversy with a video wherein a trio of oft indifferent topless models are made to prance around, be petted and preened and treated like farm animals, and then responded incredulously when accusations continued.
Additionally, Robin’s conduct has sullied the good name inherited from his father Alan and he has been largely absolved for his part in walking stick Miley Cyrus’s disturbing MTV performance. Perhaps if Thicke were a little more aware of those lines then he could have explained them to Miley. (Note: we have chosen not to included Miley Cyrus in this list because she is simply too obvious, will soon mature enough to regret the last year and because punching her in the face would likely result in a severed tongue. We don’t need to be responsible for that.)
Yeah, it’s been a couple of years since his winning, tiger-blood-and-7-gram-rock-fueled meltdown, but Sheen is still being rewarded for his narcissism. His current show, Anger Management, received an unprecedented 100-episode order based off the public’s morbid fascination at the time. Unsurprisingly the self-professed Adonis/warlock was quickly criticized by co-star Selma Blair for lack of basic professionalism. But instead being reprimanded like any regular person in any other job would, Sheen threw a hissy fit that a co-worker he reportedly lusted after would say mean things about him, refused to work and Blair was fired.
No matter how much ratings slip, the deal Sheen engineered means he is still paid a tremendous sum to appear on a black-hole of entertainment long after the curiosity over his traveling train wreck has disappeared. While he’s stated that he plans to retire after Anger Management chances are the attention-whore, who has known nothing but show business since birth, will give us plenty of reasons to want to knock holes into our televisions for years to come.
His dad, on the other hand, is awesome and has spoken honestly and poignantly in the past about the pain he feels for his son (skip to the 10:00 mark in the linked video). Brother Emilio Estevez also comes across as quite down-to-earth like his father (the two siblings are apparently not on the best terms these days).
Beyond her many accomplishments (former Playmate, 3-time Razzie award winner and professional obnoxious person), McCarthy is likely most famous for her anti-vaccination activism. McCarthy spent years claiming that vaccinations caused her son to become autistic. Only problem is, there is absolutely no evidence of vaccinations causing autism. There is, however, centuries of proof of not vaccinating causing death. McCarthy spent years spreading this myth through books, published interviews and talk show appearances and now as co-host of The View she is given a daily opportunity to share her harmful propaganda to a faithful audience.
Obviously, McCarthy is not alone in her opposition to vaccination, but she is by far the most visible perpetuator of this lie, and in many ways has come to typify the growing anti-science attitude expressed among many populations throughout the United States. She may have recently backed off from these claims, but she has never acknowledged spreading bad information nor apologized to those her influence may have hurt. If there is anyone who needs to understand the impact of reality over fiction, it’s her.
This is more of a lifetime achievement award in odiousness than for any specific incident. For decades Trump has been the gold standard of scumbags, the apotheosis of a**holes, the Don(ald) of disgust. If absolutely nothing else, a swift brush back may finally solve the mystery of whatever that stuff on his head truly is.
We were fine with Seagal continuing to make all the unnecessary, straight-to-DVD action movies he could ever want. We were even fine with him pretending to be a sheriff for a reality show or his pledges to be famous again (whatever that means) by 2015. What irks us are the recent rumblings that Seagal, the star of such upstanding examples of justice as Above the Law and Out for a Kill is considering a run for governor of Arizona. Of course there is a long history of actors becoming politicians but the problem here is that Seagal’s major political affiliation is with none other than Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
In addition to being the self-styled “country’s toughest sheriff,” Arpaio is the country’s most expensive sheriff through his numerous legal battles on charges of mass harassment of Latinos, systemic racial profiling, neglecting reports of sexual violence and violating first amendment rights. The fact that Seagal would attempted to bolster his political bona-fides by associating with America’s most litigated lawman is enough to earn him a good smack. Only problem is that he would probably use his slow-motion aikido to break our wrists if we actually tried. On the other hand, we’d love for Seagal to meet Chris Brown when the latter is in one of his pugnacious moods. All will be forgiven, Steven, if you break that jerkwad’s wrist.
(Note: Dear readers, I promise my next piece will be something more positive! Just needed to vent a little on this one.)
This was a hilarious read!
Glad you got the joke! The “punching” part wasn’t meant seriously, of course.
Kim Karsashian deserves to be punched because she thinks she’s like Elizabeth Taylor. The only thing worse than this thought is Lindsay Lohan playing Taylor in Liz & Dick.
Haha, at least Liz Taylor was genuinely talented and didn’t just rely on her butt for her success!