Fast & Furious 9 Review ⇒ (Inbox)
From Pop Mythologist <*******@gmail.com> May 31, 2021, 5:28 PM (2 days ago)
To Jess Kroll <********@gmail.com>
I finished reading the review you submitted of Fast & Furious 9 and I hate to tell you this but what you have here isn’t acceptable. I understand that you didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about this movie because “keeping it in my head any longer may cause permanent brain damage” but just writing “Bad writing. Bad action. Bad acting. Bad direction. Bad jokes. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.” and then translating “bad movie” in 20 languages is not valid criticism. In fact, the only detail in the entire first page is the bit about every location having the “same orange-yellow sunset lighting.” Please try to provide more details like that instead of ranting about how the success of the F&F franchise marks the inevitable demise of human civilization. If you insist on making such a statement please do it with words and not poop emojis and MS Paint stick figures with more poop emojis. You’re better than that.
Moving on down the page:
What does “John Cena punches Michelle Rodriguez out of the air with a car” mean?
What does “Vin Diesel punches a building to collapse with a chain” mean?
What does “John Cena and Vin Diesel punch each other into an earthquake” mean?
What does “Ludacris and Tyrese punch a satellite with a rocket-strapped Pontiac” mean?
Please don’t use the word “punch” eighteen times in one paragraph.
As well, keeping with Pop Mythology’s goal of having a positive influence, maybe you could expand the things the film does well beyond “Creative physics.” I know you like Vin Diesel as a person so I’d suggest adding some hope that one day he can progress beyond these films.
However, if I had to pinpoint one place where the review goes off the rails it would be the seven magnet memes followed by twenty line breaks and “IT’S EATING MY BRAIN!!!!!!” After that I’m not sure how I’m supposed to read this. Is this… linear? How do these sentences work? Did you write words or did you mash your head against the keyboard?
In conclusion, I know you work really hard on these reviews and I’m always happy to post them but you can do better than this. Maybe take a few hours, clear out the, as you put it, “clouds of stupid so dense I can see them drifting from my ears like car exhaust,” and try again later. The film doesn’t open in the US for another couple of weeks so there’s enough to time to warn people not to see it. Take a walk, have a meal, but most of all find someone to talk to. I’m genuinely quite worried. This review is not healthy. Remind yourself it’s just a dumb movie. It’s not worth driving yourself crazy over. (I promise that was not a pun.)
I look forward to your revision,
P.S. Don’t watch any more Fast & Furious movies. You know they’re bad.